How I Feel About Multiple Sclerosis

How do I really feel about my diagnosis? “FUCK YOU MS!” Does that suffice? I’m not going to butter it up!

You know how they say “don’t look that up online”? I did it anyway.

When I first searched for MS on the web I saw so many different perceptions, opinions, memes and the like towards the disease. Silly things like “MonSter”, “Must Stop”.

You know, negative imagery. What do these do for the attitude of people, like me, who have MS? These are just damaging people’s views on themselves. For me, there was no sense of help or positive unity through these images, posts and such. These phrases cause more harm than good, in my opinion. I just didn’t feel this way about my diagnosis. I didn’t want to have such a negative view and outlook on my Multiple Sclerosis.

I started to think “where are the phrases like “My Strength”, “My Success”, “My Support”? Why were these slogans not spread all over the internet like the rest?” Yes, it sounds like I’m a life-loving hippie, dancing around loving the earth, but, by God am I not! I just simply have decided not to be one of those people who have been totally affected by my diagnosis. 

MS is a stupid disease whereby my own body is attacking itself, how ridiculous is that? It’s completely annoying, but, also laughable. Multiple Sclerosis is the cause of these weird symptoms that I feel. It’s the cause of my sudden loss of control over my own body. My muscles start to spasm, my limbs go numb, they tingle, they burn, and they itch. The worst part about all of this; I can’t do anything about it.

It makes me feel pretty helpless. My own body, my physical being temporarily stops taking orders from me; the so-called boss. Like a rebellious teenager. I would love to clatter it and lock it into its bedroom. No TV, no phone and worst of all, no internet! Oh, life would be too easy. That is the major thing I find about this illness; control, authority and the final word are not mine. Not physically anyway. Mentally, I am the boss, I am in control and I do have power.

Power and control are big things for me. It always has been and always will be. It can be hard, certainly frustrating and most of all; disheartening. I feel like I’ve lost a part of my sense of self. This disease has made me feel incapable, incompetent and vulnerable. Ironically though, I’ve come out of the past 12 months stronger. Mentally anyway, because physically I’ve always been fucked!